today the old wound opens up like new and you wonder how you ever thought the bleeding had stopped when it’s running red down your body and on to the ground. just like then. just like always. today takes you back to that musty smelling cave and he is beside you and the walls you built are between you and the world, not between this world and the one he left you for.
today we are a family again and the feeling – transposed on top of early mornings in school rooms – is so sharp and so poignant that it stings that backs of my eyes in a way it hasn’t since…
I have never left the room inside my head where we were last together, it has merely grown smaller as time has passed, merely changed shape so it fits into a secret corner of my chest where it beats alongside my heart. all the love, all the sadness, all the anger and fear and unspeakable loneliness that surfaces just when you think it’s finally gone.
I am not lonely, I am only lonely for you and the way you always made me feel like I was staring unflinchingly into the sun.
the memory fragments at the edges and the details begin to leak out until there’s nothing more than a puddle on the ground reflecting his eyes and the way they never left yours though the world burned all around you. goodbye, those eyes were always saying, why couldn’t you ever see it until now?